 I wrote it all down
Slipped notes in drawers Sachets of sadness Smelling of salt and poorly pressed flowers Today I found your name And I felt nothing There was no hitch in my breath Reading it over and over Just to make sure It's funny because I think of you Nearly every day Like a dead thing that lives inside me A reminder of arrested development Fruit that would never bear I filled a thimble with foolish hope Watched it drip down the sides A ring of damp expanding beneath You'd said it was big enough But I knew the waste to come Some was better than none What evanesced can't be recaptured We created and destroyed The law of conservation of energy A lie both cruel and kind The eternal spring Somehow run dry
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 I didn't believe in gods or monsters
When I came here Solitary soles clicking on concrete Echoing between tall buildings I found the door Brightly lit Just as you said it would be Marble floors gleaming A sour smell beneath the perfume You thought I wouldn't notice I sat before you Allowed the appraisal Spoke the words you wanted It wasn't enough It's never enough This battle of wills The trick of water versus rock One of us will crack And I know it won't be me I will walk out of here There will be less of me But I don't believe in gods or monsters And I will leave as I came Alone  I was quiet as you squeezed my hand
Hard enough to make the bones crack And you told me to shut up I was quiet as you told another lie About your endless failures And diminished my successes I was quiet as you picked the lock To the room in which I'd taken refuge And forced your way in To demand closure that would never come I was quiet as you stripped myself from me To make me small enough to fit inside your palm The only safe size for you to be Good enough to yourself I was quiet as you joked at parties That you would leave me If I became pregnant And chose to carry to term I was so quiet They thought me nearly mute A background murmur Behind the scrim you'd built before me Playing the role you'd written yourself At center stage They saw through you Your performance hollow Believed mine Because fear is convincing But I don't want the accolade My voice is good enough  I've been home from my swim
Long enough for my hair to have dried Stiff and wavy in the air As I've busied myself with the tasks of living I've draped my suit over the shower rod Trod a path of fine sand through the house Too preoccupied to wipe my feet It was a good visit I thought Maybe a bit too brief Not enough sun and salt to sate me There was just one thing A momentary miscalculation We make them every day And I breathed at the wrong time I coughed a little It was nothing really Everything was fine It's been hours since it happened And I don't think I feel so well Is this what they call drowning dry?  Sacred circles and ley lines
Inept words for our inexplicable places Where people and things Unfit elsewhere Find comfort We end up here by accident A confluence of unforeseen events Steering us And our disbelief To make a life we never imagined We gather Secular To pray to each other In twilit cold Warming feet and spirits By logs that hiss with unspent moisture Smoke lingering In hats and mittens for days Our cheeks glow pink on the ice There is magic here Something about us Recognizable only by those who share the hum Notes in the chord The wind carrying our song Listen closely You might hear us Or dream of pointed red hats Parading in twos and threes Down an ordinary small town street  I lived a lifetime of perfect lies
Cradled in unkind hands I dug the clay from my own grey shame Fired them lovely in my lungs Let them slip glazed and shining from my lips I told them easily The untruths to conceal unhappiness To everyone I knew And many I didn't I told them until I ran out Of cold wet earth Of hot damp air Of the will to keep sleeping Blanketed in my own sadness I woke slowly Then all at once Empty of my art A spent resource Crumbling between my fingers My mouth too dry to make it mold Dishonesty has drained from me Truth running clean and clear From every pore Sureness gleaming on my skin I won't lie for you Or cradle you in my own kind hands I won't apologize for crimes I haven't committed To make your existence easier Or help you avoid your own fate Craft them yourself Deliver them wrapped in ribbons Packages of deceit A gift only to yourself  I want to be bare beyond my skin
Free to expose All that I am Lacking the fear Of your fear of me Knowing it doesn't exist It's like learning to walk Rolling from heel to toe Unsteadily Reaching for a handhold And finding yours Warm and strong In the cold I don't know what I'm doing I don't expect you to tell me But if I ask I know you'll answer Suggest Not demand My path my own Yours to take as long as you choose Stay with me While it suits you Breath for breath Step for step No destination on the map But each other  Opportunity is knocking
And I'm answering the door That's been closed so long The hinges have rusted The fear that it will squeal as I wrench it ajar Lodged in my throat I can't say hello Or ask why you've come I have stories to tell A voice grown hoarse from disuse I couldn't recite them to myself The endings all given away Nobody else to hear So I took a vow of silence Even inside my head I'm unprepared for guests Cupboards bare But for the crumbs he left behind I've been living on stubbornness and steel My body turned resolute and hard I stopped the want Denied the need I ignored their calls Didn't recognize the number But I'm opening the door And there's a bead of sweat Trailing down my lower back Because your eyes are open and kind And I could use some fresh air  It would seem I have found
Without really looking An alchemist's crucible The secret to gold A vessel to contain To transform My baser aspects And make them shine I tried to throw them away Once Again and again Striving to disintegrate The integral Always returning In places I wouldn't look The corners I didn't dust I could have sworn I thought it was just a bowl Magic not forthcoming As it was nothing I'd ever seek I wanted something to hold To cup warm in my hands To turn blue fingers pink It could simply be a trick of light The dull glinting back But I like the look of it Finally  I was never afraid
Of the things in your dark They were yours and you'd tamed them Nuzzling an outstretched palm Bellies upturned and lolling side to side It's my own that creep In broad day Wild and snarling Fresh blood on the tips of their nails I ask them what it's from and I know they lie I go to bed Wake with pinkened sheets Aging welts still raised On the hidden parts of me I know what they're doing I don't want to let them I want them tranquil and cooing Harmless under my command But my words have no force More breath than sound And they chortle at my failure Dragging one claw at a time As I stare at the clouds |
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