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I could use some fresh air

1/31/2017

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Picture
Opportunity is knocking
And I'm answering the door
That's been closed so long
The hinges have rusted


The fear that it will squeal as I wrench it ajar
Lodged in my throat
I can't say hello
Or ask why you've come


I have stories to tell
A voice grown hoarse from disuse
I couldn't recite them to myself
The endings all given away
Nobody else to hear
So I took a vow of silence
Even inside my head


I'm unprepared for guests
Cupboards bare
But for the crumbs he left behind
I've been living on stubbornness and steel
My body turned resolute and hard


I stopped the want
Denied the need
I ignored their calls
Didn't recognize the number


But I'm opening the door
And there's a bead of sweat
Trailing down my lower back
Because your eyes are open and kind
And I could use some fresh air



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The secret to gold

1/30/2017

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It would seem I have found
Without really looking
An alchemist's crucible
The secret to gold


A vessel to contain
To transform
My baser aspects
And make them shine


I tried to throw them away
Once
Again and again
Striving to disintegrate
The integral
Always returning
In places I wouldn't look
The corners I didn't dust
I could have sworn


I thought it was just a bowl
Magic not forthcoming
As it was nothing I'd ever seek
I wanted something to hold
To cup warm in my hands
To turn blue fingers pink


It could simply be a trick of light
The dull glinting back
But I like the look of it
Finally






















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The things in your dark

1/26/2017

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I was never afraid
Of the things in your dark
They were yours and you'd tamed them
Nuzzling an outstretched palm
Bellies upturned and lolling side to side


It's my own that creep
In broad day
Wild and snarling
Fresh blood on the tips of their nails
I ask them what it's from and
I know they lie


I go to bed
Wake with pinkened sheets
Aging welts still raised
On the hidden parts of me


I know what they're doing
I don't want to let them
I want them tranquil and cooing
Harmless under my command
But my words have no force
More breath than sound
And they chortle at my failure
Dragging one claw at a time
As I stare at the clouds




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Divots in the drifts

1/25/2017

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Moonlight reflecting on fresh fallen snow
Brightening my night dark bed
Silence blanketing me like flannel
And I am warm despite the chill


I will wake in the dark
Hope for a miracle
Disappointment in my bones
The trees heavy with it
Creaking
Snapping


It isn't winter
It never is
I keep waiting for the weather to turn
For sunshine and green things
Growth and renewal springing lithe


But the snow keeps falling
I keep shoveling
My feet leaving divots in the drifts




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Five stages

1/24/2017

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Five stages
Where you are required to perform
Five sets of steps to climb
Five songs to sing
Acts to deliver
Steps to dance


One foot ascending at a time
You find the X marking center
Refusing to believe that this is what's now expected
You breathe in someone else's breath
Stammer thin notes in another voice
A squeak and a shake
These are not yours
You did not make them
Couldn't possibly


Your monologue is screamed
Guttural and glistening with spit
The red veil coloring your audience
Shadowboxing a foe who has already fled
A shock you could possibly lose a fight
That has already been lost


If you soft-shoe in precisely the right beat
It will all come back to you
Your breath
Your voice
Your vision
Your sparring partner
A chance for victory


These don't come back
You should have waltzed when you tapped
The stairs are too high
So you sit
Unable to move
Tears leave salt trails drying on your cheeks
Not bothering to wipe them


This is supposed to be the map
This is meant to show the way


What happens when you reach acceptance
but it's you
you can't accept?
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A patch in gouged frosting

1/23/2017

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You were never worth
The lost sleep
Or the ceaseless tearing blame
Your vehement reassurances rang hollow
Your tin can telephone string cut long ago


The words "I'm a good man"
Should never need to leave your lips
"I'm a nice guy" is only a patch in gouged frosting
There's a rose missing
And pink on your chin
Sugar on your breath
But it's stale underneath


Tear your hair in frustration
Contemplate loss in a bottle
I still won't come back
To soothe your self inflicted wounds
Or sop up your sick


You've made a mess
Someone else has always cleaned up
I hate to inform you
That I am not a maid
Though I'd wear the uniform well




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Sad boy weekend

1/19/2017

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They called it a sad boy weekend
Spending time with two men
So similar to one another
They can't stand each other's company
Each in a different shade of the grey spectrum
After their perfect wife left them


One's been out the other side
His life still in scattered chunks around him
The edges refusing to match
So he doesn't bother to pick them up anymore


The other has just been told
A spiral begun
Without knowing how many times there are to turn
The light still plays tricks on him
She might change her mind
But she's let an apartment
She won't tell him where
Theirs is too redolent
Of dried tears and spent rage to stay


Because it's more than chipping ice from the walk
Or bringing in the trash can
It's reaching a hand across the couch cushion
Letting cold toes wriggle between your shins


It was shunning her into silence
Verbal stilettos deflating her joy
Until the words wouldn't come
And the music wouldn't play
And she grew cold and quiet inside
A soul in torpor


It doesn't matter if he meant it
It matters what he did
If she cried and wouldn't tell him why
While he looked anywhere but the mirror
Her confession was more wasted precious breath
Fallen on dumb ears
So she glazed over
Let the numbness come
She waited for spring
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Dear Democracy

1/18/2017

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Dear Democracy,


I don't know where you're going, but I feel like this is a goodbye. I wanted you to know that I've appreciated you, the power of knowing that single votes can make a difference. I've always participated. Ever mindful of the fact that people have always died and will continue to die in pursuit of you, and you have been so very worth each life.


I don't know what will take your place. I do know that the gap made in your expected absence is already filling with anger and fear, sadness and suspicion. I know that the next years will be difficult, that everybody will suffer without you. I worry not everybody will see the other side of what's coming, and I don't know what it will take from me. Will I fall before it, or will I be forced to watch, helpless, as someone I love succumbs?


I guess that what I'm trying to say is that I'm going to miss you and I don't want you to go, but I understand you feel like you've been taken for granted. I hope you'll consider coming back someday. The climate won't always be so hostile. The uneducated, unintelligent masses won't always hold sway. They're only capable of short term planning, and the strategic long view is not theirs to create or even try to see. There is comfort in the knowledge that they are not, as they believe, in the majority. They merely took advantage of a faulty system, and temporarily disabled all of their own alarms. Ours blared, are still deafening us.


All my love.
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A pretty name for punishment

1/17/2017

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I can feel my guilt
The cumulative weight
Of raindrops
Frozen on lingering dead leaves
In a false January thaw


Calling myself a priority
As a pretty name for punishment
Moving in spite of the ache in my ribs
Blisters tearing open with each footfall
Saying I didn't notice as they formed
Walking on skin turned to bubble wrap
Beneath me for days afterward
Smiling through the limp


Succor in constant movement
Distraction from the unceasing tide
Of questioning my worth and worthiness


You ask me if I'm okay
I say I'm the best I've ever been
You say I look like a million
When I feel like fifty cents
It's not a lie
Because rubbing two quarters together
Is better than a pocket full of lint
But it still won't get you anything








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The kind ones

1/16/2017

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I told you in quiet syllables
As I ran my fingers slowly through your hair
What it takes to silence
The hamster wheel ever churning
Inside my skull


I've narrowed my own options
Possibly given you more
Places to go
Ways to get there
Escape hatches from the waking cage
And the deafening bars that bind


If I've done this right
Made my places yours
Your breathing will slow with the beating of your heart
Your eyelids will be weighted
And you will hear the buffeting of imaginary wings
Beating behind your closed eyes
Rushes of air felt but not seen
You will not notice the gurgling of my stomach
Or the twitch in my thigh


I hope you slip into dreams
Consciousness resistant to release
As you question the unreality of events
And the scenes begin to play
I hope you meet the kind ones you don't yet know
But if you don't
I will still be here
When you come back






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