 I have begun to think about
The transitive nature of pain How we recalibrate the scale As we travel through experience The blood curdling howls That echoed throughout When you had your ears pierced at four Your cousin vowed never to endure the same The stern insistence upon walking On a broken limb despite ready access To an assistive device Thirty years later Is it the lack of exposure That causes the former? The accumulated aches the latter? Does the humming engine of our brains Need to warm up to the release of endorphins Over decades? Yet some of us still wince at little things While others line up for punishment Will allow another to make them bleed With no greater reward than the moment I pay for pain I invest in ink and a needle And a beautiful woman Who traces meticulous flowing lines into my skin You will know my body by what she has left there A gallery that someday will no longer walk Privately I ask for pain Not in words But in gestures Small movements Reactions to firm touch Because my ten Is another's one hundred
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 I gazed into the water
Dark as ink And wondered what my future held I pleaded I cajoled I begged For a revelation Nothing came I kneeled at the bank Ignoring the dampness The cold As it seeped through the fabric at my knees Cupped hands scooping the murk To my mouth It tasted metallic Green Hoping it would write the answers inside me I stayed there As the sun dipped low Painting me in the golden hour's light And then leaving me in the blackness I continued my vigil Through the shivering The cramping in my legs I may have begun muttering Prayers to a god I don't believe in As the emptiness inside me expanded You found me there Jabbering Nearly frozen Took my hand and helped me up You told me The answer isn't here It isn't in the abyss you drank It never was Never will be You need to walk away from this place Or it will keep you Come with me The path is ragged But this is my oath I will be here with you I cannot provide the light you need Because you must learn to shine To see the brightness I see For you are more luminous than you comprehend And it is you who helps me to know the way  I fell asleep Tears dampening my pillow Whispering God, I love you Before turning over I know you can't hear me But I hope that over the miles There's a tingle on the back of your neck As if I'd said it into your nape A gentle tug at your waist As if I'd laid my arm across you and squeezed I hope you sleep well tonight That something comforts you against the dark It envelops us both Our only commonality  Did they tear your wings to keep you down
And did you fly to spite them? Did they surround you throwing stones for breaking rank And did you become their avalanche? Did they cut out your tongue to stifle your truth And did you shout it louder? Did they cover your eyes to blind you And did you see their ugliness? Did they burn your fingers to ruin your touch And did you soothe another's ache? Did they deafen your ears to not hear their whispers And did you learn to lipread? Take flight Rain boulders Say names Caress pain Learn plans You strengthen as they weaken You cannot be contained Take that which is owed you You are not to blame These things that people tell you Meant to keep you in your place They are fearful children Learn to laugh in their face Rise so far above them Their retinas burned by sun Be the thing they need to see Make them want to run Your threat to them is viable You cause their world to quake Self examination is painful But you will not break  You told me there was a test
In three distinct parts A pop quiz you administered After I smirked my permission You stood behind me Glided your palm up my neck Grasped Pulled The bubble wrap snap of three vertebrae Releasing synovial fluid I closed my eyes My mouth opened And you slid two fingers over my tongue While you breathed in the scent of me Before biting my ear The metallic clink of studs on teeth I released a sigh You trailed fingers down my chin Stroked my throat And squeezed Blood slowing its upward flow Breath reducing to a trickle I groaned But refused to drop my hand A sign of fading consciousness You loosened your grip Casually Sat in front of me Told me I'd passed Flying colors Such a good girl As my vision cleared Asking for more  I am the girl who talks to crows
A gift bestowed by collecting molted feathers Glossy jet discarded in the grass Barbicel weakened and no longer adhering I trace Corvus onto my hip bones A hundred times over with each one I tell them my secrets Knowing they keep them as their own They recognize my face As I approach with gaze averted And they teach their young that I am safe They do not speak back Instead they leave me gifts Small things carelessly discarded by humans I tuck them in jacket pockets Because I believe they bring me luck Some of them sparkle in sunlight Tiny fascinations I sit among them Unshelled peanuts in a circle around me They land nearly silent All at once Like they practiced it They hear the names of those who've betrayed me The crimes committed out of fear Because I could break the bonds that held me Beaks chatter in anguish The clacking raising the hairs on my forearms I know what they are thinking Murder  I didn't have time
To get used to looking at you To turn your ugly parts pretty Because you kept poking at sore spots Making me wince Driving me farther away from you You tried to pull me closer Put a hand on my cheek The other around my throat And tugged When you should have taken my hand And let me draw you to me It would have taken time The snail's crawl But we might've gotten to the grass across the sidewalk Instead of always baking on the hot tarmac Cars missing us by a hairsbreadth You dripped adrenaline But oxytocin was the key I could never be your clamoring Buttercup I could never be your fiending Harley I could only be myself And she was not what you need  While we were together
You drew me While we're apart I write you You scrawled song lyrics Over my image Saying you'll drag me down Don't waste my time Now that I don't My words are my own Attributable to no one else And they're truer Than any notes you could write or sing If you drew What I write Would it be as pretty? Or would you end up The tattooed brute Proportions askew? Your sunken eyed girl Romanticized me Made me meek Made me clamor for you When I will never be or do those things I was the drinks you drank And kept drinking You fell down stumbled I was the blinks you blinked And kept blinking Made you humble I am the world and now I know so Lay down tremble  It is not enough
To pet me And tell me I'm pretty Because I will not uncurl Will not cease to brace for impact Until I feel unexamined You will have to wait Casually observing Until I forget you're there My body makes its choices More easily than my brain Until I learn that I am safe I will reveal small facets Watch you react Retreat if you probe further My softest parts are not worn for any to see They are buried more deeply Than ground penetrating radar could detect Because my village has been sacked Burned My culture erased It is not enough To tell me you're there I have to see you standing resolute I will not show you where hurt lives Because I believe you'll add more Already too many mouths to feed  I nocked the arrow
Drew back And waited To see If you Would turn back Potential energy Tightly controlled Between my crooked fingers I etched your sins Into the arrowhead With those You don't Need poison I wanted To hear The bowstring's song But you Kept walking It isn't fair To shoot A man In the back Since you can't Watch his eyes As he dies |
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