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The transitive nature of pain

9/30/2016

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I have begun to think about
The transitive nature of pain
How we recalibrate the scale
As we travel through experience


The blood curdling howls
That echoed throughout
When you had your ears pierced at four
Your cousin vowed never to endure the same


The stern insistence upon walking
On a broken limb despite ready access
To an assistive device
Thirty years later


Is it the lack of exposure
That causes the former?
The accumulated aches the latter?
Does the humming engine of our brains
Need to warm up to the release of endorphins
Over decades?


Yet some of us still wince at little things
While others line up for punishment
Will allow another to make them bleed
With no greater reward than the moment


I pay for pain
I invest in ink and a needle
And a beautiful woman
Who traces meticulous flowing lines into my skin
You will know my body by what she has left there
A gallery that someday will no longer walk


Privately
I ask for pain
Not in words
But in gestures
Small movements
Reactions to firm touch
Because my ten
Is another's one hundred


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The abyss you drank

9/28/2016

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I gazed into the water
Dark as ink
And wondered what my future held
I pleaded
I cajoled
I begged
For a revelation
Nothing came


I kneeled at the bank
Ignoring the dampness
The cold
As it seeped through the fabric at my knees
Cupped hands scooping the murk
To my mouth


It tasted metallic
Green
Hoping it would write the answers inside me
I stayed there
As the sun dipped low
Painting me in the golden hour's light
And then leaving me in the blackness


I continued my vigil
Through the shivering
The cramping in my legs
I may have begun muttering
Prayers to a god I don't believe in
As the emptiness inside me expanded


You found me there
Jabbering
Nearly frozen
Took my hand and helped me up


You told me
The answer isn't here
It isn't in the abyss you drank
It never was
Never will be
You need to walk away from this place
Or it will keep you
Come with me
The path is ragged
But this is my oath
I will be here with you
I cannot provide the light you need
Because you must learn to shine
To see the brightness I see
For you are more luminous than you comprehend
And it is you who helps me to know the way




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I know you can't hear me

9/27/2016

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I fell asleep

Tears dampening my pillow
Whispering God, I love you
Before turning over
I know you can't hear me
But I hope that over the miles
There's a tingle on the back of your neck
As if I'd said it into your nape
A gentle tug at your waist
As if I'd laid my arm across you and squeezed
I hope you sleep well tonight
That something comforts you against the dark
It envelops us both
Our only commonality

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Fly to spite them

9/26/2016

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Did they tear your wings to keep you down
And did you fly to spite them?


Did they surround you throwing stones for breaking rank
And did you become their avalanche?


Did they cut out your tongue to stifle your truth
And did you shout it louder?


Did they cover your eyes to blind you
And did you see their ugliness?


Did they burn your fingers to ruin your touch
And did you soothe another's ache?


Did they deafen your ears to not hear their whispers
And did you learn to lipread?


Take flight
Rain boulders
Say names
Caress pain
Learn plans


You strengthen as they weaken
You cannot be contained
Take that which is owed you
You are not to blame


These things that people tell you
Meant to keep you in your place
They are fearful children
Learn to laugh in their face


Rise so far above them
Their retinas burned by sun
Be the thing they need to see
Make them want to run


Your threat to them is viable
You cause their world to quake
Self examination is painful
But you will not break


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Bubble wrap snap

9/25/2016

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You told me there was a test
In three distinct parts
A pop quiz you administered
After I smirked my permission


You stood behind me
Glided your palm up my neck
Grasped
Pulled
The bubble wrap snap of three vertebrae
Releasing synovial fluid


I closed my eyes
My mouth opened
And you slid two fingers over my tongue
While you breathed in the scent of me
Before biting my ear
The metallic clink of studs on teeth
I released a sigh


You trailed fingers down my chin
Stroked my throat
And squeezed
Blood slowing its upward flow
Breath reducing to a trickle
I groaned
But refused to drop my hand
A sign of fading consciousness


You loosened your grip
Casually
Sat in front of me
Told me I'd passed
Flying colors
Such a good girl
As my vision cleared
Asking for more




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I am the girl who talks to crows

9/24/2016

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I am the girl who talks to crows
A gift bestowed by collecting molted feathers
Glossy jet discarded in the grass
Barbicel weakened and no longer adhering
I trace Corvus onto my hip bones
A hundred times over with each one


I tell them my secrets
Knowing they keep them as their own
They recognize my face
As I approach with gaze averted
And they teach their young that I am safe


They do not speak back
Instead they leave me gifts
Small things carelessly discarded by humans
I tuck them in jacket pockets
Because I believe they bring me luck
Some of them sparkle in sunlight
Tiny fascinations


I sit among them
Unshelled peanuts in a circle around me
They land nearly silent
All at once
Like they practiced it


They hear the names of those who've betrayed me
The crimes committed out of fear
Because I could break the bonds that held me
Beaks chatter in anguish
The clacking raising the hairs on my forearms
I know what they are thinking


Murder












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The snail's crawl

9/23/2016

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I didn't have time
To get used to looking at you
To turn your ugly parts pretty
Because you kept poking at sore spots
Making me wince
Driving me farther away from you


You tried to pull me closer
Put a hand on my cheek
The other around my throat
And tugged
When you should have taken my hand
And let me draw you to me


It would have taken time
The snail's crawl
But we might've gotten to the grass across the sidewalk
Instead of always baking on the hot tarmac
Cars missing us by a hairsbreadth
You dripped adrenaline
But oxytocin was the key


I could never be your clamoring Buttercup
I could never be your fiending Harley
I could only be myself
And she was not what you need
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Your sunken eyed girl

9/21/2016

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While we were together
You drew me
While we're apart
I write you


You scrawled song lyrics
Over my image
Saying you'll drag me down
Don't waste my time


Now that I don't
My words are my own
Attributable to no one else
And they're truer
Than any notes you could write or sing


If you drew
What I write
Would it be as pretty?
Or would you end up
The tattooed brute
Proportions askew?


Your sunken eyed girl
Romanticized me
Made me meek
Made me clamor for you
When I will never be or do those things


I was the drinks you drank
And kept drinking
You fell down stumbled
I was the blinks you blinked
And kept blinking
Made you humble


I am the world and now I know so
Lay down tremble
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Too many mouths to feed

9/21/2016

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It is not enough
To pet me
And tell me I'm pretty


Because I will not uncurl
Will not cease to brace for impact
Until I feel unexamined


You will have to wait
Casually observing
Until I forget you're there


My body makes its choices
More easily than my brain
Until I learn that I am safe


I will reveal small facets
Watch you react
Retreat if you probe further


My softest parts are not worn for any to see
They are buried more deeply
Than ground penetrating radar could detect


Because my village has been sacked
Burned
My culture erased


It is not enough
To tell me you're there
I have to see you standing resolute


I will not show you where hurt lives
Because I believe you'll add more
Already too many mouths to feed
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The bowstring's song

9/20/2016

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I nocked the arrow
Drew back
And waited


To see
If you
Would turn back


Potential energy
Tightly controlled
Between my crooked fingers


I etched your sins
Into the arrowhead
With those
You don't
Need poison


I wanted
To hear
The bowstring's song
But you
Kept walking


It isn't fair
To shoot
A man
In the back
Since you can't
Watch his eyes
As he dies
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