A Pale Scrawl
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Something is lost

12/28/2016

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Every time we break
Put ourselves back together
Something is lost
We are never quite the same


We've swept up our own dust
Followed the lines
Glued the pieces where we think they belong
Marked by hairline fractures
Chips admitting light to our darkness


When and where and how
Do we decide it's enough
The parts no longer worth saving


Broom and dustpan brought out one last time
With deft flicks of the wrist
We are collected
Discreetly disposed


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Spoonfed and choking

12/17/2016

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Picture
Our bodies are never what we want them to be
Spoonfed and choking on impossible ideals
We lose our grasp on what real should look like
I stopped seeing
Stopped being shown
Stopped showing
Just as my breasts began to grow


Changing clothes in front of each other
Became a magic trick
Houdini trying not to show an inch of skin
I can take off
Put on
Underwear
Without ever unbuttoning my pants
Shedding like a snake to reveal a new outfit
Rawness and vulnerability always hidden


I saw the stomach of my bodily ideal
Briefly
As she absentmindedly scratched
Stretch-marks decorate her
Doodled there by the two babies she carried
I felt better about myself
Only for a moment


I stand in front of mirrors
Partially dressed or not at all
A challenge to look as if my eyes were not my own
To see what someone else
Someone who lives outside my pale, bruised body
Might see
To imagine what they might say
But I inevitably return
The cacophony of criticism loud
(Thunder thighs)
(Curled lip)
(Fat)
(Fat)
(Fat)
(You have such a pretty face)
(I always wondered about that scar)
(You look...bountiful)
Tumbling over me
Burying me
I turn my back to it
Cross my arms over my chest
Pressing fingertips into ribs
Until it hurts more than the words
Pushing them back where they came from
Knowing they will only rise again
Next time I'm brave










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This steep curve always comes

12/15/2016

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Picture
Walking together
With nobody else to hear
Conversations turns
One moment blithe
Casual musings on mutual experience
To confession
Dawning a blinding bright


This steep curve always comes
Without a sign
To warn of it


I should know by now
This road's terrain
That there are no guard rails
Or speed limits
Chicanes looming


You tell me that you are young
You tell me your dreams
You tell me that you love him
You tell me you moved to a strange place for him
You tell me how hard it is to forge bonds
You tell me that his wants
Are more important
Than what you don't want
You tell me it hurts


I've circled a hidden rotary
Looking at myself
In a past that I can't change
I want to tell you
Love but don't lose yourself
Get what you want
Let him leave if he can't embrace it


A metal band you don't even think you need
Won't fix you
It may keep you from being fixed
Lodging itself in an open wound
Exposing raw nerves
Refusing to heal


I want to tell you
I want to tell me
These things I know


Instead I say
I can't tell you what to do
You'll figure it out


I won't know you when you do
You'll have moved on
Moved away
Followed your road
I can only hope he doesn't detour you


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Moss against snow

12/13/2016

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Picture
I am moss against snow
Spiny warm green
On smooth cold white
Bold but not belonging
I catch the eye
But will not be caught
As snow only wants more snow

​I
had this ridiculous notion
that if I made myself
into something someone else would want to see
I could be easily had
It doesn't work that way
Instead
it's me who never clicks in place


I've grown accustomed
To being apart
I've accepted
That my piece
May never fit a larger puzzle









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A balm for flesh

12/5/2016

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Picture
I'm standing in the bathroom
Regarding the soap carefully
Looking at my hands
And I'm thinking I will wash them
Long and hot
Of us
Of you
Of all of the empty reassurances
And all the things I could never say
The resulting cracks
The blood
The pain of dry winter skin
Will be better
Than the constant gnaw of you
Inside me
There is a balm for flesh
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I woke on your side of the bed

12/1/2016

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Picture
I woke on your side of the bed
One year and one day
Since I knew you were leaving it for good


It's taken my body this long
To learn
To take up space
To sleep through the night
Not to shy away when flesh touches flesh


The alarm ringing came as a surprise
I was so far away
I only heard it when the high tones began
It took rolling over three times
To reach it


It occurred to me that it's too big
This bed we bought together
But it's not
Someone else will eventually share it with me
Perhaps only briefly
Maybe until one of us dies
But until then
I will spread my limbs as wide as they can go
Or curl up knees to chest
And know it is mine






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