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Every time we break
Put ourselves back together Something is lost We are never quite the same We've swept up our own dust Followed the lines Glued the pieces where we think they belong Marked by hairline fractures Chips admitting light to our darkness When and where and how Do we decide it's enough The parts no longer worth saving Broom and dustpan brought out one last time With deft flicks of the wrist We are collected Discreetly disposed
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 Our bodies are never what we want them to be
Spoonfed and choking on impossible ideals We lose our grasp on what real should look like I stopped seeing Stopped being shown Stopped showing Just as my breasts began to grow Changing clothes in front of each other Became a magic trick Houdini trying not to show an inch of skin I can take off Put on Underwear Without ever unbuttoning my pants Shedding like a snake to reveal a new outfit Rawness and vulnerability always hidden I saw the stomach of my bodily ideal Briefly As she absentmindedly scratched Stretch-marks decorate her Doodled there by the two babies she carried I felt better about myself Only for a moment I stand in front of mirrors Partially dressed or not at all A challenge to look as if my eyes were not my own To see what someone else Someone who lives outside my pale, bruised body Might see To imagine what they might say But I inevitably return The cacophony of criticism loud (Thunder thighs) (Curled lip) (Fat) (Fat) (Fat) (You have such a pretty face) (I always wondered about that scar) (You look...bountiful) Tumbling over me Burying me I turn my back to it Cross my arms over my chest Pressing fingertips into ribs Until it hurts more than the words Pushing them back where they came from Knowing they will only rise again Next time I'm brave  Walking together
With nobody else to hear Conversations turns One moment blithe Casual musings on mutual experience To confession Dawning a blinding bright This steep curve always comes Without a sign To warn of it I should know by now This road's terrain That there are no guard rails Or speed limits Chicanes looming You tell me that you are young You tell me your dreams You tell me that you love him You tell me you moved to a strange place for him You tell me how hard it is to forge bonds You tell me that his wants Are more important Than what you don't want You tell me it hurts I've circled a hidden rotary Looking at myself In a past that I can't change I want to tell you Love but don't lose yourself Get what you want Let him leave if he can't embrace it A metal band you don't even think you need Won't fix you It may keep you from being fixed Lodging itself in an open wound Exposing raw nerves Refusing to heal I want to tell you I want to tell me These things I know Instead I say I can't tell you what to do You'll figure it out I won't know you when you do You'll have moved on Moved away Followed your road I can only hope he doesn't detour you  I am moss against snow
Spiny warm green On smooth cold white Bold but not belonging I catch the eye But will not be caught As snow only wants more snow I had this ridiculous notion that if I made myself into something someone else would want to see I could be easily had It doesn't work that way Instead it's me who never clicks in place I've grown accustomed To being apart I've accepted That my piece May never fit a larger puzzle  I'm standing in the bathroom
Regarding the soap carefully Looking at my hands And I'm thinking I will wash them Long and hot Of us Of you Of all of the empty reassurances And all the things I could never say The resulting cracks The blood The pain of dry winter skin Will be better Than the constant gnaw of you Inside me There is a balm for flesh  I woke on your side of the bed
One year and one day Since I knew you were leaving it for good It's taken my body this long To learn To take up space To sleep through the night Not to shy away when flesh touches flesh The alarm ringing came as a surprise I was so far away I only heard it when the high tones began It took rolling over three times To reach it It occurred to me that it's too big This bed we bought together But it's not Someone else will eventually share it with me Perhaps only briefly Maybe until one of us dies But until then I will spread my limbs as wide as they can go Or curl up knees to chest And know it is mine |
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