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Embers

4/29/2017

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Picture
The warmth of a word
Written in your hand
Kindles in me
Embers emblazoning my bones

If I open my mouth
The light will leak out
Pouring from me
Golden as a summer sunrise

So I purse my lips
Smiling
Letting it bubble and fizz
Within my chest

It's too soon to let it out
To allow it to tumble luminous
Uncontrolled
Over the whole of me

I am a secret kept
Necessarily for a time
But oh, how I'll glow
When the moment arrives
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42

4/25/2017

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Picture
The meaning
To life
The universe
To everything
Is squeezing love from lemons
Sweetening them with sorrow
Melting the ice in your veins
And drinking every tart drop
Until it's dry
Starting over the next day
Perhaps it's limes
Or mud
Drops of dew
Sitting on your tongue
With nothing to ease the journey
As you swallow
Acid
Dirt
Pain
Turning to joy in your belly
At the sound of a laugh
A gentle touch
A feather floating impossibly slowly to the ground
Until whimper or bang
And it's done


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Your twenty dollar violin

4/24/2017

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Picture
You played me for a fool
But I turned the table and won
Bought your twenty dollar violin
And proved it a Stradivarius


I made mistakes
Knowing you were among them
While I was waiting for the right thing
To reveal itself to me


Knowing what you want
And grasping it between your hands
Are two different things
A goal set isn't always a goal achieved
When the bar is higher than your arms can reach


You were water
Meant to flow under the bridge
Never able to be the bridge itself
Standing solid and supportive
I let you pass unimpeded
Just to bide time


I still feel like I failed
Myself for settling
You for promising my life
And not giving it


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I don't know her

4/22/2017

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Picture
Nothing looks the way it should
Trying to find acceptance in my skin
Marked and pale as the moon


I stare at the mirror
This isn't vanity
It is someone new
Wearing my eyes
She moves when I do
And I want to ask her name
Where she came from


I wonder if I would understand her answer
If it would be loud enough
Or even in the same language
My tongue thickens at the thought
While her pantomime continues
Mute
Mocking
Daring
As if expecting me to have the answers
But I don't
I don't know her




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Reading it over

4/18/2017

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Picture
I keep reading it over
Unable to believe it's true
Without seeing the words


What I want is never easy
Mercurial and shifting
Beading up
Slipping away
Leaving only the worst parts with me


I hoped for so long
So hard
My breath held waiting
Thinking I could stop time
But my lungs couldn't bear it
Exhausted, gasping afresh
My chest expanding without me
The time kept passing


I made decisions
Hoping to force you
To the back of my mind
But your roots run deep
Fusing themselves to the core of me
Seamlessly incorporated
Where you always should have been
Now always will be


You're in each heartbeat
Every step
Easy as blinking
And nothing has changed
Except the knowing
That sometimes you get what you want
Sometimes it wants you back
Sometimes it conjures courage and tells you
So you can keep reading it over
Eventually believing it's true




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The sun at my back

4/17/2017

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Picture
On the road with the sun at my back
I know I'm going the wrong way
The cord stretching taut
Where I'd only just felt slack


Nobody can see
Like the tiny holes in my dress
But I know it's there
Separation's anxiety


It isn't fair
The way we censor ourselves
Thinking that by not saying it
We can protect ourselves from it
Making three tiny words profane
Like the emperor's new armor
And a styrofoam sword


Just because you don't say it
Doesn't mean it's not there
It grows inside you
Twining its leaves with your veins
Its perfume blooming on your breath
Beautiful
A weed
Some would try
To pluck or poison
But I will let it flourish
Take me over
Make me more than I was before


I may not sleep
Or eat
Or dream of anything but this
And it will be worth it
To freely say
I love you







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Watching the greening

4/13/2017

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Picture
I have been watching the greening
Passively observing the world around me
As the buds timidly peek from the tip of tree limbs
Actively observing the same in my own life
Barren and brown for a long and lonely March
I'd stopped hoping my spring would come
Despite the hints dropped along the way


But April came with warmer weather
Sunshine so bright I can't open my eyes
Where confessions bloom alongside crocus
The color thrown a eureka moment
And I can't stop smiling
Or the flow of happy tears


I waited so long
In a winter that wouldn't end
That I became it
I shuttered the windows
Locked the doors
Took in the welcome mat
Froze in place
Knowing the only guest I wanted was you
Not knowing if you'd ever ring the bell


I still can't believe the chime
Or the green warmth you bear
Because it's still only April
The killing frost can still come
But I hope you'll stay






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The antithesis of force

4/1/2017

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Picture
I have been waiting
For these feelings to fade
Expecting to wake up one morning
Only to find the spark extinguished while we slept
But the moment doesn't come
As the minutes have turned to hours
Days
Weeks
Months
Now years


I still thrill at the idea of you
Fizz in the pit of my stomach
A sting at my tear duct
As you find new ways
To make me feel
In places I thought went cold
Blown away as dust
By breezes I no longer remember


I resisted then
Afraid or unwilling
To admit I was worth the time
And the kindness of gentle words
You persisted
Unafraid and willing
To devote long hours to convincing me
Knowing proof is in the staying
Rather than in the spoken


You wore down the walls
With the antithesis of force
Choosing patience over prodding
Dropping rough gems of endearment
In my path
The dull glint attractive to me in ways
The glare of false promise could never be


We speak the words of depth rarely
Playing at mere tolerance of one another
Like children on Opposite Day
But we both know the truth
Sitting warm and firm at the bases of us
Our beneficial battle of wills
Repeating "you're stuck with me."










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