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I won't be your bitch

9/19/2016

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Picture
You're an emotional infant
And I'm not your mama
So you can squall and scream until you're blue in the face
But you'll spend one more night crying yourself to sleep
Over another woman who won't take your hands
And let you walk on her feet
When you've been upright long enough to know
How the progression of steps should work by now


You can call yourself a good man
But every time you tell me to change who I am
To soothe your fragile ego
Every time you mention the mythical friend zone
Every time you bash the mother of your child
You knock yourself down two pegs
And we know your feet don't work to climb them again


So keep your professional victimhood
Your closet misogyny
And keep sleeping with your dogs
Since they're the only ones dumb enough
To choke down your shit
Because I won't be your bitch



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I am my only guard

9/15/2016

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Picture
I have never been a victim
Nor have I been a survivor
I have been a transcender


I have risen above the petty, vile pain inflicted
I have become better, smarter, stronger
As a way of showing them what they couldn't do


I have traded some softness
And all my vulnerability
Packed my heart in boxes


My armor is impenetrable
My walls thicker
Built taller than can be scaled


I am my only guard
Flashing teeth
And razor nails


Spitting barbs at all who approach
Regardless of their intent
The Sphinx and Medusa combined


But I can love still
I can sacrifice myself
To make someone better
Because I will regenerate
Until I can't anymore
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A perch for grackles

9/14/2016

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Picture
I stood barefoot in the snow
And I watched you leave
Tears steaming as they hit the ground
My heart freezing
I raised my arm to wave goodbye
I opened my mouth to say I love you
I tried to scream don't go
But you'd already gone too far to hear me
Too distant to see me


I stayed there until spring
Crocuses sprouting up around me
The ice receding slowly
A bare patch of ground at my base
But I did not thaw
No leaves grew fresh and green upon me
No magic spell to wear off
No kiss to be given or received
A perch for grackles and blue jays
Meant to decompose slowly
To dissipate with time
Forgotten
In your absence


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Storing the moment

9/12/2016

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Picture
As the light dies
Casts shadows across the bed
You draw me
In light lines
Blacks and pastels
Stark collarbones
And giant eyes
Storing the moment on paper
Because you think I'll be gone soon
You want a memory of the girl who challenged you
Strove to make you better
Asked why
Put you under a microscope
Forced you to stop gazing at me
And examine yourself down to the grit
Does it make you uncomfortable?
My disarmament of you?
Your shining armor
Revealed to be the emperor's new clothes

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A lesson in compliments

9/8/2016

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Picture
Look me in the eye
And I will look away
Unable to bear the scrutiny
Of another's penetrating gaze
Rooting around inside of me
To ferret out all I hold close

Because my eyes will betray me
They will reveal truths
I don't intend to tell
Shed light on my darkest parts
Just to see them slither

I glance down and to the right
Always
Retreat to the safe space
That sarcasm provides
Draw up one corner of my lips
A glossy smirk
Just to watch you reel
At the rapidity of my response
How I can cut to my own quick
And bleed and bleed and bleed
While you flail and try to stop it

Let this be a lesson in compliments
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You've been in both

9/6/2016

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Picture
On Friday nights
My dad and I would put fresh sheets on my bed
Chatting idly

On Sunday afternoons
my husband and I would put fresh sheets on our bed
Silent

These small acts of domestic intimacy
Which we don't share with many
You may lay in my bed
But you may not make it with me
Nor I with you

Do you just go around helping girls change their sheets?

I haven't done this with anybody except my ex-wife

To know the order I like my pillows stacked
If the cases face in or out
How I fluff the featherbed
The precise drape of the quilt I made

These are deeper intricacies
Than the knowledge of my body
The spots that make me gasp
Or quiver
Or squeal
My body and my home
You've been in both
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A bystander

9/1/2016

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Picture
A bystander
You saw my scattered pieces
Scooped them up
Offered them to me
In cupped hands
(Your hands are perfect things)

You held a torch
While I worked in the dark
Meticulously reassembling
What time and sadness had wasted and worn

You appointed yourself reluctant foreman
To an impossible project
Like hope could make anything true
Offered tips and tricks
And watched

You had no final vision
Let me make myself
The thing I needed to be
(Needs and wants so easily defined)

You continue to attend
The work mostly done
Perhaps admiring what you refuse to admit you've wrought
Imperfect but whole
(You are the perfect thing)

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