 You're an emotional infant
And I'm not your mama So you can squall and scream until you're blue in the face But you'll spend one more night crying yourself to sleep Over another woman who won't take your hands And let you walk on her feet When you've been upright long enough to know How the progression of steps should work by now You can call yourself a good man But every time you tell me to change who I am To soothe your fragile ego Every time you mention the mythical friend zone Every time you bash the mother of your child You knock yourself down two pegs And we know your feet don't work to climb them again So keep your professional victimhood Your closet misogyny And keep sleeping with your dogs Since they're the only ones dumb enough To choke down your shit Because I won't be your bitch
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 I have never been a victim
Nor have I been a survivor I have been a transcender I have risen above the petty, vile pain inflicted I have become better, smarter, stronger As a way of showing them what they couldn't do I have traded some softness And all my vulnerability Packed my heart in boxes My armor is impenetrable My walls thicker Built taller than can be scaled I am my only guard Flashing teeth And razor nails Spitting barbs at all who approach Regardless of their intent The Sphinx and Medusa combined But I can love still I can sacrifice myself To make someone better Because I will regenerate Until I can't anymore  I stood barefoot in the snow
And I watched you leave Tears steaming as they hit the ground My heart freezing I raised my arm to wave goodbye I opened my mouth to say I love you I tried to scream don't go But you'd already gone too far to hear me Too distant to see me I stayed there until spring Crocuses sprouting up around me The ice receding slowly A bare patch of ground at my base But I did not thaw No leaves grew fresh and green upon me No magic spell to wear off No kiss to be given or received A perch for grackles and blue jays Meant to decompose slowly To dissipate with time Forgotten In your absence  As the light dies
Casts shadows across the bed You draw me In light lines Blacks and pastels Stark collarbones And giant eyes Storing the moment on paper Because you think I'll be gone soon You want a memory of the girl who challenged you Strove to make you better Asked why Put you under a microscope Forced you to stop gazing at me And examine yourself down to the grit Does it make you uncomfortable? My disarmament of you? Your shining armor Revealed to be the emperor's new clothes  Look me in the eye
And I will look away Unable to bear the scrutiny Of another's penetrating gaze Rooting around inside of me To ferret out all I hold close Because my eyes will betray me They will reveal truths I don't intend to tell Shed light on my darkest parts Just to see them slither I glance down and to the right Always Retreat to the safe space That sarcasm provides Draw up one corner of my lips A glossy smirk Just to watch you reel At the rapidity of my response How I can cut to my own quick And bleed and bleed and bleed While you flail and try to stop it Let this be a lesson in compliments  On Friday nights
My dad and I would put fresh sheets on my bed Chatting idly On Sunday afternoons my husband and I would put fresh sheets on our bed Silent These small acts of domestic intimacy Which we don't share with many You may lay in my bed But you may not make it with me Nor I with you Do you just go around helping girls change their sheets? I haven't done this with anybody except my ex-wife To know the order I like my pillows stacked If the cases face in or out How I fluff the featherbed The precise drape of the quilt I made These are deeper intricacies Than the knowledge of my body The spots that make me gasp Or quiver Or squeal My body and my home You've been in both  A bystander
You saw my scattered pieces Scooped them up Offered them to me In cupped hands (Your hands are perfect things) You held a torch While I worked in the dark Meticulously reassembling What time and sadness had wasted and worn You appointed yourself reluctant foreman To an impossible project Like hope could make anything true Offered tips and tricks And watched You had no final vision Let me make myself The thing I needed to be (Needs and wants so easily defined) You continue to attend The work mostly done Perhaps admiring what you refuse to admit you've wrought Imperfect but whole (You are the perfect thing) |
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