 Should and shame share a bed
Patting the space between them Inviting as an acid bath Wishing to strip me To bleached and brittle bone
0 Comments
 Day slips from me
Through the trees The moon chasing it With me between Another night comes And you’re still not here Each period of twenty four hours Is a circle I trace Winding up At the same place I began The steps I take May bring rain, snow, sun, or wind But never you I wake in the morning Wishing today were the day Knowing it’s not Wondering why Hope leaving unseen Like my body heat From between the sheets  Their names
Will never drip from lips without sorrow Flesh torn from bone The smell of pennies pooling Only the butcher learns in an abattoir But the doors will reopen I pledge allegiance To the flag Of the United States Of ammunition And to the Republicans Whom we can no longer stand One nation Under the gun utterly divided With enmity And injustice for all Said with hand over Kevlar heart As they learn about the boys Taught to slaughter them And the men who uphold the Right Knowing they are a fresh entry in the bloody books Of our history Their assignment Common Core Undone because they’ve tasted the rotten apple Seen every child left behind And they’re writing on every board “I will not let this happen again”  I bought Legos for a child
With a hole in his heart They were red, yellow, green, and blue In varying sizes So that he could interlock them To his desire Before gingerly aligning the nubs And pressing gently Into his chest I’d whispered words As I packed them Wrapping them in brown paper Tearing tape with my teeth Writing his address In thick black marker I willed cold plastic To warm flesh To carry blood To pump Pump Pump His little life through him For as long as he wished it And not one day more For our bodies No matter their composition Exhaust themselves Before our minds Our skin a prison Our bones the bars  Jesus Christ.
Please, let’s continue to make light of the negotiable no It’s funny, right? The attention I don’t want The fear The vigilance Wanting to pull the blinds and change the locks Wishing I had eyes in the back of my head To see him coming To will my thighs To ask my knees To beg my calves To make my feet move faster Pistoning away from him Telling my friend (Yes, my FRIEND, you jealous coward) That if I’m in his bedroom at midnight Shaking him awake I need him to protect me Because the crazy ex boyfriend is not a joke He’s a death sentence Whether I live or not So maybe Instead of the chase He’ll drink himself sick Forget I ever existed Move on to gnash his teeth And tear his hair Over someone else I wish her the best  Here’s to bad dates
To the wrong wine To crying in cabs Used up and tossed away Again Here’s to the men that make them Entitled to their pleasure Ignorant to yours Schooled in how to get it Regardless of cost Here’s to pseudonyms Protecting your life Concealing your shame A carpet over the trap door You’re huddled beneath Here’s to rape And all the ways it happens Here’s to admitting it And the magnifying glass I hope it burns  There are devils in details
Softnesses lost The gentle clunking of bone on bone And realizing the stark reality That we are breathing machines As my layers have stripped away My embraces are cold comfort Given to few Hoping they make no mention Of how hard I’ve become I miss relaxed ease Sinking into rest However I lay Today I sleep with care Stacking joints like Lincoln Logs A perennial wish To be someone Somewhere Made of something Else  Will
Or won’t I’ve doubts No bets made Or breath held Bankruptcy and death don’t appeal Wait and want Or walk and need It’s all the same to me  I am learning to see myself through others’ eyes.
Fleeting moments where the veil of unrealistic expectation lifts, and I am stripped soul bare of my glaring flaws. Confrontation by kindness, by no gnawing want or need of what use I can be, their words are based in truth. There are no “buts,” or “if you justs,” and I am humbled in an impossible way. I learned to be self effacing because what I knew was either cruelty or ambivalence, absorbing the worst of the words said to me about me. I was arrogant, fat, argumentative, petulant, selfish, crazy, stupid, or there was just silence on the line. I was never the Goldilocks option even when I was the only option. “Enough” always hanging in the air out of my reach. And it’s sad to think I simply accepted what was handed to me without question because it was joined with “love.” I’ve cleared a lot of clutter in the last couple of years. The din quieting because I’ve silenced it. Excising the sources and healing the open wounds they left. I’ve stopped lying for other people because I’m no longer able to cushion egos like glass ornaments. Someone else’s insecurity isn’t mine to carry. I have enough of my own, and I need proof to justify an endorsement or its lack. And this is where the clarity comes. There is no emptiness in the spaces the negatives filled. This is likely due to the cold fact that they never should have been there to start, but I hung on because I thought that they were right and I was all wrong. The things that people say to me now are hard to hear, a code I can barely crack. They’re things I say to other people without hesitation, but returned it’s inscrutable. I struggle with the idea that people enjoy my company. I don’t understand compliments about my appearance, my demeanor, my abilities, or my intelligence. The concept that I am good isn’t easily taken on its face because I’m not. I’m simply trying not to be awful out of the need to make my own daily existence just a little less harsh. There is enough chaos in the world. I don’t need to suffer. My capacity for kindness is in itself an accomplishment and I’m prouder of it than anything else I’ve ever done. Did you know that you are loved despite your not loving yourself? Did you know that you are perfect because of your flaws? Did you know that you deserve the same kindness you give to others? Did you know that there is no reward in martyrdom and self deprivation? Did you know the only one who hates you is you? Have you asked why? Are you being honest? Did you know that someone sees you as a gift every day?  I can’t tell you
That sleep rarely finds me Thoughts coiling tight as springs Releasing just as I begin to nod Jolting me back To the reality of my inescapable body Sweat pooling on my skin Rooting me to the same place No matter where it is I lie I get up and walk around Returning to sodden sheets A damp pillow I choose the dry side ••••••••• Too many nights I woke to her The thudding from upstairs The wedge of light beneath the door She wasn’t alone She was never alone She was three bottles of wine And a night at The Lamppost And a string of hims Whose faces I never learned She misnamed my disdain jealousy Too broken and sick To see •••••••• She wore her age badly Or maybe it was wearing her A pinch at her lips A sink to her eyes Before she was forty But claiming my youth misspent I stashed coins like years In a box beneath my bed The metal unable to be stolen from me Hoping someday I could transmute them Regain the time taken By self reliance at six •••••••• I think about how I’m like her The mirror giving nothing away I am Athena hatched from my father’s head A goddess of too much wisdom And war But she is in my voice Unaccented and tumbling from my mouth I only remember seven words Though I’ve forgotten their sound I still feel the sharp cold edge of them Against my neck •••••••• I look younger now Than she did I’m spending what I saved slowly Or perhaps I’ve learned to grift Short changing the clerk As the calendar pages flip Exchanging a single five for a ten With a smile |
RSS Feed
