An apparition within my iris

There are times now
When I see my mother
Looking back at me in the mirror
And there is pain

I haven't physically been presented with her
In almost eighteen years
Haven't spoken to her in seven

It's not that she is unattractive
In her younger years
She was stunning
An object of envy for women
One of desire for men

The conflict is in her cruelty
Her instability
Her untreated mental illness
The wounds that caused it

I see myself at twelve
My blackened eye
I see her at thirty six
Moonlight shining on her blonde hair
She's drunk again
And telling me stories I've intentionally forgotten
The upturned corner of her lip
As she sneered

It may be the haunt in my eyes
The stubborn jut of my chin
The worry lines in my forehead
The firm set of my lips
None of these are hers
They are uniquely mine
And yet the combination
Reveals that I could be her

If I chose the other path
If I drank alone
If I drowned my insecurities in men I don't know
If I allowed instincts to override logic

I fear having a child
I fear a healthy committed relationship
I fear passing the tainted legacy
Of abuse and diminished worth
To those who don't deserve it

Because those who aren't looking
Don't see her there
Shimmering beneath my surface
An apparition within my iris