Reading it over

I keep reading it over
Unable to believe it's true
Without seeing the words


What I want is never easy
Mercurial and shifting
Beading up
Slipping away
Leaving only the worst parts with me


I hoped for so long
So hard
My breath held waiting
Thinking I could stop time
But my lungs couldn't bear it
Exhausted, gasping afresh
My chest expanding without me
The time kept passing


I made decisions
Hoping to force you
To the back of my mind
But your roots run deep
Fusing themselves to the core of me
Seamlessly incorporated
Where you always should have been
Now always will be


You're in each heartbeat
Every step
Easy as blinking
And nothing has changed
Except the knowing
That sometimes you get what you want
Sometimes it wants you back
Sometimes it conjures courage and tells you
So you can keep reading it over
Eventually believing it's true