I sometimes wish I'd said never

Thumbing the beads of her necklace
I can still hear her telling me she loves me
Costume jewelry resting on my black clad thigh
The only thing I have left of her
I lean my head back
Strain to remember her smell
The feel of her arms around me
As I bent down to hug her
I didn't think
That would be the last time I saw her
That I would now be actively avoiding one half
Of this small town church
So as not to have to see her again

I will never hear "Bridge Over Troubled Water"
Without crying
I will never play Scrabble
Without thinking of her house rules
The box scribbled with fifty years of high scores
I will never see a gladiolus
Without imagining her name in it

I slide down the pew
Grasp the hand of the woman I will soon
No longer be able to call cousin
As we sob together
Our loss mutual in this moment
But mine so much greater
Because I know what's to come
This is the last time
I will see these people
Before they hate me
Before they will turn to each other
Proclaim me manipulative and arrogant
I will tell one person
That I am sorry
For any part I ever played in their pain
That I can't prolong my own anymore
And now that she's gone
It's time I took my leave as well
The first words she ever spoke to me
"when are you getting married?"
I sometimes wish I'd said "never"