Boulders of suspicion

Spoonfed weakness grain by grain
Accumulating in my belly
As stones in a bird's craw
Weighing me down
And I can't fly
Or flee


Fingers stuck down my throat
Trying to vomit them up
Knowing they won't come
And the idea
Of slitting myself open
To reach in and pull them out
Is too much to bear


I know it's been done to us all
Told it was others just like us who did it
I maintain that they didn't know
They were seeding boulders of suspicion
Instead of pearls of grace
From the same spoons
For which they'd opened their own mouths wide
As baby girls
As young women
As mothers


Suffused with the poison
Of contempt and competition
Content to waste
To wish
We looked like we did a year ago
Before we had children
Before we had lives of our own
Before puberty gave us bodies
With lines that aren't straight
Always beautiful in a time that isn't now
Because to admit your beauty is here
In this moment
Is a strength
And to be strong will render us
Unwantable
Unneedable
Undesirable
Unlovable
Unworthy
Alone in a world that's already cruel enough
For girls


But that boy over there
He says he's strong
Smart
Handsome
Rewarded with attaboy and pats on the back
By everyone he meets


Why are we different?
Why is he applauded and I am scorned?
Our squirming origin the same