Digging a new bed

I am trying to figure out
What to wear to my divorce
It isn't something you dream about
As a little girl


Getting married wasn't something I dreamt about
As a little girl
I wanted to sing


I made up songs everywhere I went
Careful not to let anyone hear
Unless I was on stage
I drew breath belly deep
Sure of the notes that would leave me


I wore black to my wedding
My recently dead great grandmother's brooch
Jewelry handmade by my best friend
It was hot
Humid


I cried during my vows
The first and last time
So many people would see me shed tears
They cried with me


When it was over
When the guests had gone home
The cupcakes had been eaten
We folded the chairs
Lowered the tents
Got eaten alive by bugs


We packed our gifts into the car
Went back to our apartment
Unloaded in a downpour
We said "I love you"
And we went to sleep


Like my wedding
My divorce is largely DIY
I farmed out the hard stuff
But nobody's picking up the check this time
I think
I didn't think my wedding would be paid for, either
So perhaps there will be a surprise in the mail


I know there will be no gifts
None other than those which I've given myself
Those cannot be discounted
For I've given me myself
A sureness in being alone
Confidence in my own decisions


Do I also wear black to this?
Tall boots
My long dead great grandmother's brooch
Fishnet stockings
Crimson lips
Winged eyeliner
Femme fatale
It will be cool
Fall instead of high summer


Will I cry when asked to speak?
Or will I draw breath belly deep
Sure of the words that will leave me?
Will we say "I love you?"
Or part politely
Going our separate ways?


A divorce is not a failure
It's an admission that forever doesn't exist
It's a goodbye kiss
To ideals that weren't meant to bear fruit
It is digging a new bed in better soil
Planting hope where it has a chance to grow


Getting married wasn't something I dreamt about
As a little girl
Now maybe I will sing