Following nearly two years in flux, a constant and unpredictable flow of loss and accrual, I am afraid to say that I have achieved stasis. Life has its ups and downs, but my sea no longer churns and tosses to extremes without warning. It has been two months since I was racked with sudden grief, five since I've had to buy smaller jeans. Emotionally and physically, there seems to be a level of dependability. My social circle, too, has coalesced into comfort. I can do and be without unreasonable questioning of my motives, which have really never changed. I sloughed targets from my back. My fear of naming stability it is not because I fear it. I fear the jinx.
I have never enjoyed unpredictability, so much of my life thus far having been dictated by it. Poverty and violence, the volatile moods of those around me, I was never permitted a routine of contentment. I could only count on that I could count on nothing.
I've made things simple for myself. Difficult decisions comprised only of what to wear and how to wear it. I know what I'm eating and when. I pay a bill the same day it comes in the mail, and I never question whether I can pay it. I work out. I take baths and do yoga on Sundays. Knowing what I'm doing ahead of time eases my anxious mind.
Clearing out the intangible clutter took every mote of energy I had. Physical mess and cat hair accumulated noticed but untouchable around me. Things broke, and I couldn't fix them. I've begun to remedy these things. I can hope to maintain them now, and get rid of things I've clung to for too long. Old clothes I don't ever want to fit into again, but kept because to throw them away meant to relive the last time I wore them. To hold them in my hands is to feel the feelings, to smell the air on that day, and most of them, like I was, are heavy and sad.
I should have waited until I could open the windows, feel warm breeze, and smell fresh green outside, but the moment came and I had to take it. Garbage bags filled and waiting for me to take them to Goodwill in the hopes they'll have happier times ahead because I know I do.
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